When Drunken Elves Invade

Written By:Nessa Elendil
You can read the original here:
All Credit goes to the original author

When Elves of Arda get quite drunk,

None ever seem to think on it much.

But this is what happens when Dorwinion comes into play,

And those drunken Elves begin to invade.

First, in lands of Elven fair,

They sneak up on Legolas and cut off his hair-

He won’t get up until he’s done being drunk.

That’s what they say to the Mirkwood Elf.

A Dwarf drops in, but the wine’s still in effect,

So one Rivendell Elf uses his Patented Elvish Headlong Slap.

Elves will then proceed to pick up the Dwarf,

And throw her out the window like she’s a Yrch.

Dwarves don’t fly, that’s what is learned;

But she doesn’t go SPLAT, so worry not about that.

She liked it, actually, wants to do it again.

Instead, since she’s drunk, she goes to the bedchamber of Thranduil King.

Oh wait, what a mistake, the next thing to happen was to give Legolas his shave.

To get Thranduil drunk first, such an easy task;

Hand him a wine bottle, and then: “Legol.. who.. *swig*”

Under the eyes of a Vala, the three falter not,

As they cut and snip all the hair away.

They stage a scene, so as not to be caught,

And wait, laughing, for the Mirkwood prince to wake up.

After pointing out to him the scissors he holds in his hands,

And the empty glasses of Dorwinion that litter his floor, a drunken Elf cries out:

“WE SHALL CATCH THE EVIL FIENDS AND CAST THEM TO MORGOTH'S PIT.. or something like that.”

Laughing, they leave, searching for their target next.

After deciding Lord Elrond is much too observant,

They settle on Erestor, because Glorfindel “Blondie” has had “killing experience.”

(Slowing down on Dorwinion is never an option,

They always remember that, or at least the two Elves of Imladris do.)

Ink to dye the hair of Erestor, yes that will do;

His hair first will be bleached, and the ink will be pink.

The Elves reach Rivendell (where names like “drunkard” are thrown around)

And have some more Dorwinion, just in case.

Realizing Elrond will know if they raid the Dorwinion stores,

They head for the Green Dragon, in Hobbiton.

Bannoth doesn’t care if they take what Dorwinion is there.

On their way, and after an interesting event with some bees,

They run around Arda with amazing, great speed.

They head, soon, to Dwarfish lands, the drunken caravan.

Three drunken Elves, that’s all it takes, to wreak havoc all over the place.

There’s only one Dwarf when they arrive there,

So they’re offered some wine, but choose to drink their Dorwinion instead.

After they’re finished drinking there, they run all around, drinking everywhere;

In the lands of Men, friendly and foe, in the forests of Ents, and so, so much more;

Drink up, you three Elves, who have come to invade.

As a resident of Arda, one might have to ask:

“What is wrong with these Elves, why define drinking games in such a way?”

But of course, as a drunken Elf, I myself would say:

“Would anyone else like some Dorwinion today?”