You can read the original here:
All credit goes to the original author
PPC: Mission Impossible (Or So It Seems)
*Beep! Beep! Beep!*
“Not again!” Ember dragged herself over to the console. “Wake up, Guinevere. It’s another Marysue. Apparently, this author…” She stopped mid-sentence as she realized her new partner Winnie (that was what Guinevere liked to be called) was still snoring.
“Oy! Get out of bed!” A well-aimed pencil got Winnie to awaken. “Whazzamader?” she asked sleepily.
“Legomance. Special ability to hypnotize. Flashing indigo eyes that change color every seven seconds. How on Earth does she see?”
“No idea,” Winnie yawned, finally getting out of bed. “We’d better get ready. The Upstairs won’t like if it we’re late.”
“Don’t I know,” Ember muttered. “Oh, Gods above, she’s another half-Elf! It’s getting old! I mean, come on!”
“What’s our disguise this time?” Winnie asked. “We’re not being orcs again – I nearly got shot last time after carrying out your brilliant plan.”
“It was brilliant,” Ember retorted. “You just didn’t have the sense to duck out of the way when the arrow flew towards you. I know! Let’s be Elves – we’re going towards Rivendell anyway.” All this was said as she stuffed essential things into a pack.
“How clever, Sherlock!” Winnie pulled on a pair of breeches and a long-sleeved shirt. “Okay, I’m ready…Hang on, where are my boots? They were here last time…”
Ember gave an exaggerated sigh. “Hurry up.”
Winnie yanked on her boots. “Ready!”
Opening the portal with the Remote Activator, the pair stepped through into a lush green forest.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“OMG, what is this?” Ember kicked a tree trunk. “I have no recall of gigantic trees with blue trunks! C’est impossible! Add that to the charge list, will you? Honestly, blue trunks…you don’t even see that back at home!”
Winnie watched Ember pace across the leafy floor. “Be careful,” she cautioned. “This Marysue – I think her name’s Miara – is going to approach. We landed in the ‘forest near Bree’…Was there a forest? I don’t recall one.”
“Another charge,” Ember said grimly.
Winnie read the story aloud.
Miara watched as Strider led the four hobbits along. A flash of recognition appeared in her indigo eyes.
“Flash of recognition?” Ember muttered. “She hasn’t even met them yet.”
Shaking her head, Winnie scanned the rest of the paragraph. “She’s going to rescue them from the Ringwraiths. Now she’s going – Oh my, what’s this?”
The world went blurry for a few seconds and spun, leaving both girls dry-heaving. “Plothole,” Ember managed to choke out.
It was night, and the agents darted towards a tiny spark of fire in the distance. “I think that’s Sam’s fire,” Winnie whispered. Ember ran forward and stopped.
“That girl – Miara, I think – is waving a burning branch around. Oi! That’s Aragorn’s part! Oh, Frodo’s about to be stabbed! Poor hobbit…Miara’s tried to stop them and has been flung out against the wall and is now unconscious. Frankly, I don’t really pity her. Serve her right for getting involved.”
Winnie blinked as she read the next paragraph.
All Miara could see was flashes of light as Frodo was stabbed. “No!” she screamed in her unconscious state.
Winnie looked up with disgust. “How do you scream after fainting?”
“No idea. Write it down as a charge. Hey, how about we poison this Sue? Seems appropriate after all that horrible wording.”
“Not a problem. You can do the honours.”
“Thanks.”
“’Welcome. We’d better get moving, by the way. Strider’s picked Frodo up. I think that we’re going to meet Arwen next.”
“Good going, Genius.”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“What – what just happened?” Winnie doubled over.
“’Nother plothole. Ridiculous, isn’t it?”
“Of course it is! I think I just lost five years of my lifespan.”
“I go through this all the time. Get used to it.”
“I can’t. I’ve been working for the PPC for the last five years.”
“This must be the first Marysue you’ve ever done, then.”
“Wrong. I used to work in the Slash Department, though.”
“Really? Gosh, I pity you.”
“That’s real nice.”
“What? I meant it!”
“Shut up! I think we’re in Rivendell!”
“How would you know?”
“I can hear the Bruinen.”
“Oh.”
Both of them waded through the river and trotted to the Grand City of Imladris.
“Let’s see,” Winnie said, squinting at the piece of paper.
Miara opened her eyes and saw the figure of a dark-haired Elf. The Elf looked strained, but his face softened when he realized she was awake. “Good morning, young one,” he said softly. “I owe you greatly to have chased off most of the Ringwraiths.”
Miara blushed. “Oh, it was nothing,” she whispered. The Elf smiled. “I am Lord Elrond. Welcome to Imladris.”
“Thank you,” Miara said softly. Elrond smiled again. “No matter. This land is free to those who desire goodness and not the evil that Sauron and his orcs wield.”
Miara thought about her lost family who had been slain by orcs. She leant her head against Elrond’s shoulder and started to weep –
“And started to weep?” Ember looked insulted. “Weep on Elrond?”
“Ignore it,” Winnie said wisely, jotting down the charge.
The two crept towards the Halls of Fire and started to mingle with guests from Mirkwood. Be careful, Ember mouthed to Winnie, who nodded in return.
Then the scene spun again without warning. Ember and Winnie found themselves on the pavilion where the Council was to take place.
“This way,” Ember hissed, grabbing Winnie’s wrist and yanking them into the bushes before Miara could notice them.
“Plothole,” they said in unison.
“Gah!” Winnie yelped as she found a hobbit peering towards the council. It was actually quite unnerving to have him not see them, even when she waved a hand in front of his focused face.
Sam, she mouthed to Ember.
“I shall take the ring!” Frodo’s voice was loud and clear.
“You have my sword,” Ember recited, bored. “And – OW! What was that for?” She rubbed her side where Winnie had elbowed her.
Miara had stood up. “And you have my sword as well,” she said in a sweet, melodic voice.
Ember and Winnie gave roars of outrage, pushing at each other until Miara glanced at the bushes with a weird look on her face that indicated curiosity.
“Shhhh!” Winnie glanced at the Sue.
“Look who’s talking!”
“Keep your voice down,” Winnie hissed, afraid to look at the Sue again. “You’re writing the charge this time…Add that she made all the others look at her with awe – Oh, that’s just disgusting, Legolas, why don’t you wipe that dreamy look off your patty? – Boromir’s protesting…Why’s it always him?”
Ember scribbled it down.
Enchants others into admiration…Makes Legolas look ridiculous…Turns Boromir into a sexist weirdo.
She put down the ‘Charges Recorded’ and aimed her Character Analyzing Device at the Fellowship.
[Boromir. Male. Human. Canon. Out of Character. 93.785.]
[Gandalf. Male. Istari. Canon. Out of Character. 86.22.]
[Pippin. Male. Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character. 67.89.]
[Frodo. Male. Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character. 88.77.]
[Samwise. Male. Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character. 79.777.]
[Aragorn. Male. Dúnadain. Canon. Out of Character. 92.68.]
[Gimli. Male. Dwarf. Canon. Out of Character. 85.99999.]
[Legolas. Male. Elf. Canon. Out of Character. 95.6786.]
[Meriadoc. Male. Hobbit. Canon. Out of Character. 73.001.]
“What about Miara?” Winnie whispered.
“Getting there.” Ember did a double-take when she saw the analysis.
“What is it?” Winnie grabbed the CSD. “Oh, not again.”
[Miara. Female. Half-Elf. Non-Canon. Marysue.]
“Fabulous,” Ember said savagely.
Winnie looked up. “You know, we could poison her as soon as we reach the part about the crebain.”
“Nice! Great ide - ”
“Another plothole! My God, this author is terrible!”
“Oh, we’re at the part of the crebain.”
Winnie glanced down at her paper.
“Hide!” Aragorn shrieked.
“Shrieked? He’s a grown ranger, for heaven’s sake!”
“Shush! Oh, this is horrible. Legolas grabs her and shoves her underneath a rock…mon dieu, he jumps on top of her…is she crazy? She’s wrapped her arms around him!”
“How about we poison her now?” Ember stood, shaking with anger.
“Ember, as much as I’d love to do that, I think it’s a bit too late.”
Miara looked curiously above Leggy’s shoulder at the bushes as a voice started swearing blue and green in quite a variety of different languages at top volume.
“Quiet down!” Winnie clamped a hand around Ember’s mouth, dragging her back down. “We’ll just kill her at Moria. I’ve got a bunch of handy daggers to throw. Where’s that Remote Activator?”
Ember opened a portal and they stepped onto the deep banks of the lake where the Watcher lived.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Are they here yet?” Winnie traced the grooves in the boulder they were lying on with a casual finger. Ember shifted, binoculars seemingly glued to her eyes. “Yes,” she breathed.
Winnie whipped her head around so fast that Ember swore it made a cracking sound.
“Okay, here’s a dagger. The Watcher’s going to grab Frodo soon…Frodo’s figured out the riddle…oh, he’s up in the air now! Go Watcher! Miara’s rushed out! Let’s go!”
The two sprinted and grabbed her legs. Miara gave a high-pitched scream as they dragged her back to their boulder. “Open the portal!” Ember shouted.
Winnie grabbed the Remote Activator. “Open sez me!”
The assassins pushed the Sue into a land just beyond Isengard. Ember cleared her throat and held out her hand for the recorded charges.
“Miara the Sue, you are hereby charged with interfering with nature, the characters of the Fellowship with a capital F, weeping on Elrond, turning Boromir into a sexist, making Legolas look utterly ridiculous, and, I don’t know, possibly noise pollution for all your shrieks. Any last words?”
Miara’s ‘indigo eyes’ opened wide, and a strangled whine made its way up her throat.
Ember sighed. “Never mind.” With that, the two of them stabbed her. Winnie carefully wiped her dagger on Miara’s dead corpse. “Matches,” she said.
Ember lit a match and tossed it on the body. They walked back through the portal without looking back.
“Finally! Home sweet home. I’ve almost forgotten how soft a bed is!” Ember threw off her uniform, changed into her sleeping clothes, and dove under her duvet. “Ahhhhhhhhh.”
Winnie slumped onto the couch. “I’ll be sleeping if you need me,” she mumbled. Her only response was a soft snore. Winnie shrugged and fell into slumber.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Three hours later, 3:00 AM…
*Beep! Beep! Beep!*
“SHUT UP! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! AGAIN?!”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Translations for French:
C'est impossible - It's impossible
Mon dieu - My God
No comments:
Post a Comment