You can read the original here:
All Credit goes to the original author
*Beep! Beep! Beep!*
“SHUT UP! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! AGAIN?!”
“You shut up!” Winnie chucked her cushion at Ember’s head. She stood up and yawned, tripping her way over to the console. “Oh, this one’s beautiful. She gets lost in the woods…except this time, she’s a female ranger…she hates dresses – what’s with the hatred of dresses all the time? – and she has Boromir fall for her instead of an Elf. Poor guy.”
Ember tumbled out of bed. “My word, that’s more unusual than the Legomances, but I still won’t stand it. I’m going to complain to the Upstairs if this beautiful console will take up the habit of waking us up while we’re sleeping.”
“Or we could just smash it and wait for them to find out,” Winnie supplied helpfully, rubbing her eyes blearily. “It won’t please them, though. What disguises are we wearing this time? Can we be Elves?”
Shaking her head, Ember brushed her hair. “We were Elves last time,” she reminded Winnie. “Won’t help to have the Canon characters think another kinslayer is on the loose. We’ll be Orcs this time.”
Winnie pouted. “Fine. But I get to keep my Elvish daggers.”
Ember shrugged. “It’s not like we use any other weapons anyway. Hey, grab those granola bars, will you? Anything else?”
Winnie changed into her uniform.
“Nope,” she said. She punched the Remote Activator. “Ready?”
“Yep.” Ember shouldered her pack and followed her partner through the portal.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Oof!” Winnie felt the wind knocked out of her as Ember fell on top of her. “Watch it! My bones are delicate, you know. Can someone please explain why there’s a sudden plain right nest to the Bruinen?”
“Charge,” Ember said automatically, getting off her partner’s body. “There aren’t any plains that I know of. Oh, there’s a sign that says, ‘The Nazgul chased the Princess here’. I don’t recall a sign. Add another charge.”
Winnie wrote it down and checked the story.
Coral felt herself fall down a tube of black. She twisted her body, trying to feel the ground. “Help!” she screamed. “Help, anyone!” Then she hit the land and slipped into merciful darkness.
“Then she hit the…wait, she hit the land? She means ‘she hit the ground’, right?”
“It says ‘land’ right here.”
“Nice grammar. Hey, is it me, or is a brown-haired man kneeling beside the prone form of a woman?”
“Girl.”
“Looks like a woman to me.”
{Coral’s POV} I looked up at the soft eyes of the man who had picked me up. “What – what is your name?” I stuttered. I was afraid that he would hurt me.
“’I was afraid he would hurt me’? What kind of sentence is that?”
“Dunno. Maybe you should mark bad grammar as a charge. Hey, hand me the Character Analyzing device. I want to check on the Steward’s son.”
[Boromir. Male. Human. Canon. Out of Character. 97.6683]
“I feel for him,” Ember said affectionately.
Winnie opened her mouth to say something, but the world suddenly spun and spun and spun. “Plothole!” she heard Ember shout from somewhere on her left.
“Sweet Eru!” Winnie gasped a moment later. “I think I lost five years!”
“You said that last time,” Ember commented. “OW! What was that for? Keep your elbows to yourself, young lady.”
Winnie blinked. “We’re still in Rivendell.”
“Oh, figured that out, have we?”
“Shut up. The Council’s going to start, and Coral’s supposed to be changing. Shall we go look?”
“Stop being such a pervert!”
“No, I meant it the other way!”
“Sure, then.”
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“If this is what you meant by ‘look’, then I am never going to look at any of the non-canon characters again,” Ember mumbled. The two of them were currently dangling by a tree branch, watching Coral try on her dresses.
{Coral’s POV} I didn’t know what dress to wear. Really, Lord Elrond has been too kind to me. I was highly grateful for all he has provided me with. Oh, this dress looks wonderful! It’s green with gold trimming –
“Add another charge. She’s describing her clothing,” Ember explained to a confused Winnie. “Oh,” her partner said. “Can we go down now?”
Ember shrugged. “Don’t know how to climb down. Tell you what, I’m going to open the portal. Oops, that’s a bit too far. Winnie, jump and you’ll probably reach it. Don’t worry, if you break your neck, I’ll bring your body back.”
Winnie looked aghast. “No!”
Then Ember pushed her through. “OI!”
The pair found themselves on the rooftop of Elrond’s house, looking down on the Council. Winnie read the story.
{Boromir’s POV} This woman is enchanting. Her hair is the colour of autumn leaves, and her eyes two pools of emerald. She knows everything about the future, yet almost nothing about the past. Her family has abandoned her, but she lives on with courage. I find it hard to accept my mother’s passing, but she is so much younger than me and still plows her way through life. ‘Cool’ is beyond describing her.
Winnie gagged. “Cool? I didn’t know that they use such words back at this time.”
Ember growled. “They didn’t. ‘Nother charge.”
Winnie jotted down the newest charge. She straightened and squinted. “Apparently, they’ve decided that there are to be ten walkers. Hand me the CAD, will you?”
[Coral. Female. Human. Non-Canon. Marysue.]
“Great. It’s like another Miara, but with flaming red hair. God, this mission is terrible. I am so taking a vacation after this. I’ll take you with me if you want.”
“Really? Thank!”
“You’re welcome. Hey look, the other characters are almost normal. Only Boromir’s going slightly gaga. This author’s actually pretty good, considering the other ones. Believe me when I say ‘other one’…”
“That bad?”
“Worse.”
The world swirled once more.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Agh! I hate plotholes!”
“Same here! Stop vomiting, Winnie, we go through this all the time. You should know by now not to be disturbed.”
“Be quiet. Hey, we’re near the Misty Mountains.”
“You meant Caradhras.”
“I like Misty Mountains better.”
“Oh, forget it. Look, there’s the Fellowship!”
“She’s going to rescue Frodo when he collapses in the snow. Urgh, look at her. She’s simpering all over him! Now it’s the old ‘Are you OK?’ question. How creative. Oh, she’s getting buried in snow this time. There were three avalanches?”
“Add it to the charges, Winnie.”
Winnie quickly wrote it down. “Can we portal to Moria?”
“Sure.” Ember pressed the Remote Activator. “Watcher, here we come!”
Winnie looked around. “They’ve passed this spot already!” she whined. “Let’s go to Lothloríen. At least we’ll get to see Haldir.”
“I hate Haldir fangirls,” Ember muttered, opening the portal once again. “There she is! She’s going to bathe by herself soon. Oh, Galadriel’s now telling her that she’s a descendant of the Elves. She is doomed to die a mortal’s death if she chooses in order to be with Boromir. Oh, how dramatic. I’m swooning from tears! And now she’s resorting to ‘whispering softly’. Honestly, how lame can you get?”
“Lamer than this,” Winnie said, writing down another charge.
Meddling with Galadriel…Making up her family tree…Mocking whispers.
“Can we kill her yet?” Ember asked impatiently.
“Yep,” Winnie said.
They stepped silently towards the waterfall of Nimrodel.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Coral stood on the rock and undressed, pulling off her traveling clothes. She was unaware of eyes as she slipped into the cool water. Oh, it was heavenly to just float there.
“Enter Boromir,” Ember muttered.
Boromir walked out from behind the trees. Coral turned as she heard his footsteps. Her naked body shone almost silver in the moonlight. Instead of shouting at him to go away, she beckoned to him with a seductive smile on her lips.
Boromir stared, entranced by her beauty. It captured his attention and aroused something in him –
“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” a voice bellowed. Coral looked confused and frightened, while Boromir stepped in front of her, startled yet protective.
Ember stepped out from behind the trees. Winnie, armed with a dart lathered in sleeping powder, shot it at Boromir.
They leapt into the ripples of Nimrodel and dragged Coral out, nude body and all. “My clothes!” the Sue shrieked. Ember gave her a feral grin. “Oh, believe me, you pain-in-the-arse, you won’t need it where we’re going.” Coral’s eyes widened and she whimpered.
The two ‘orcs’ were now dragging her through a dense forest of sharp branches that tore at her smooth skin. “Open the portal,” Ember commanded. Winnie pushed the button and they stepped through into the land beyond Isengard. The pile of ashes were all that remained of Miara.
“It’s still here,” Winnie noted with satisfaction.
Ember grabbed the charges. “Coral the Sue, you are hereby charged with messing with the lands of Middle-Earth, as in creating plains, making signs appear out of nowhere, using bad grammar in your story, describing your clothing with disgusting detail, making words like ‘cool’ in a medieval landscape, creating three avalanches of snow on the Misty Mountains, meddling with the characters, making up your family tree, and forcing Boromir to lust for you. Any last words?”
All Coral did was stare at her in astonishment.
Ember shrugged. “Oh, well.” Then she lopped off her head. “You burn her this time.”
Winnie lit a match and burned her body. The assassins high-fived and walked back through the portal.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“I’m not going to even bother unpacking,” Ember groaned.
*Beep! Beep! Beep!*
“I can predict the future! How cool is that?”
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